Feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we're holding back. they teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we'd rather collapse and back away. they're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck. this very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we are. ~pema chodron
So, last night I had a realization. Basically I have been in a state of persisting emotional pain for several months. Along with this has been the feeling that I have to hide what i am going thru, that I must be strong and inspiring, a beacon of light and inspiration to others. And this of course was accompanied by a deep shame that I have not been living up to these expectations of myself, nor my perceived expectations from others.
After all the personal growth work i have done, all the tools i have learned, all the support and coaching and insight i have shared with others, I really should be able to rise above all this. Shouldn't I? I "should" be beyond this right? What possible excuse do I have to be suffering and playing small like this, when I have such a lovely gift to share with the world?
These are the thoughts and personal pressures i have been struggling with for years now. Searching for an answer, or some validation as to why I am so sensitive and feel so challenged. Others who care, yet, unable to understand what I am dealing with, have encouraged me to "get over it". Wouldn't I have already done that if it was that simple? So I have continued to search, trusting my intuition and actually am finding support and explanation. I may share more about what I am discovering in furture blogs.
I remember that 15 years ago I was powerfully called to the path of holistic healing thru the awareness of my own need for healing. I discovered my own need for personal healing at the age of 21, when a fearful moment in relationship inspired me to ask within, "where did all this fear come from?". Instantly an answer surfaced in the form of a memory. I was 3 years old, crouched under the highchair while my distraught parents yelled and screamed in the kitchen. I remember plates flying thru the air, crashing to the floor and the event culminating in my father leaving our house and my parents separating in divorce.
Up until that memory, I used to say that their divorce had no effect on me. I honestly believed that I was a well adjusted and healthy functioning youth. It was not until this memory of terrified little Theda awoke in my consciousness that i knew I still had a very frightened little girl inside me that needed healing, nurturing and love.
It has only recently dawned on me that I had vastly underestimated the depth and focus required to really do my own personal healing work. I thought because I was living my life from the context of "everything I am learning and doing is for my own healing" that that would be enough. It wasn't, But I can see that all the personal growth and my challenges with relationships, money, disorganization and finally the levels of fear and shame I have been dealing with recently have led me to see that there is a deeper level of self-love, self-awareness, and self-regulation neccessary for me to actualize who I came to this life to be.
It's all so perfect really, I had that experience when I was 3, then when i was 21, the memory, and then a few months later had a very clear knowing that I was to facilitate healing with others, and what better way than to share my own story and journey. Somehow the past few years i fell into the trap that I have to try to be something other than i am... on second thought I may have fallen into that trap when I was 3 years old. Regardless, this is my journey, my life path, and my story of healing integration. Sharing my journey and experience of life with others gives meaning and purpose to my life. I have been in such pain lately, having withdrawn from community a fair bit to connect more deeply within myself, and yet ultimately I am craving to connect thru authentic transparency, and self-expression.
I don't have to strive to be something I am not. I am here to learn how to truly express and be the me that I am. My intention is that you will find inspiration and your own freedom and healing (should you need it), thru my offerings.
I've heard it for years, but knowing something is certainly not the same as living it. We only take committed action when we are ready. It starts with telling the truth, to ourselves and then others, having the courage to be real, to reveal and be vulnerable. I have known this for a long time, I sing about it in my songs and also I have had moments of practicing it, and then who kicks in, but the all knowing, ego, inner critic etc.. telling me how to "be" that is acceptable to be safe and accepted. It has been excruciating living like this, holding so much in. It's time now to take the hand of that frightened ego of the little 3 year old and tell her i love her, and that she is safe with me. Together we are on this path, healing, growing, living, loving, learning.
Photo... Little Theda and younger brother Logan.
Thank you for reading, and for your love and friendship on this path.
All my love, Aloha, Theda